Free will and the universe

The worrisome self is starting its onslaught again. if it is not this, its that, and if not that, this. a ding dong merry round around 2 polar worry magnets, that suck the very life out of me, and make me fretful over the hole in the bridge.

In my mind, is a mental list of all the things I will lose, if I lose just that one thing, and a frightful movie of my world collapsing all around me. In this matter, my imagination knows no bounds. While its purpose is to free others from the confines of their present state, mine cripples and binds me in a distant uncertain future.

Even while looking forward to the Sweden stint with the boy, I fear for the time when we come back, and face that dreaded hole. This is not the way to live.

Free will - we love it and hate it. God gave us free will, a mighty brave thing to do, and He lets us experience what free will means, when He gives all our loved ones a will of their own. We experience His anxiety as we watch our loved ones make choices around us, and that is love in the deepest sense, to let go, and let the other have the freedom to choose.

God created the world, and designed it to be a massive treasure hunt. He put delicious secrets in the universe, and designed our brains to understand and seek them: the medicinal value of plants, the solar system, intricacies of the atom, uses of penicillin, radio and sound waves, unique properties of water, time's own fabric, lightning and electricity.
He gave us clues here and there, intervened in history to nudge a scientist in the correct path, whispered to inventors unbeknownst to them. Yet the arrogance of Man, attributed intelligence to their very own existence. God's gift to Man was knowledge, and He gave it solely to Man, not to animals, but the gift has corrupted us and made us proud.

I firmly believe, the only way to understand our very own existence is to know God, or we will lose ourselves in a labyrinth of knowledge, and never find the reason behind all the profoundities in the universe.