Church 30th anniversary pictures

Free will and the universe

The worrisome self is starting its onslaught again. if it is not this, its that, and if not that, this. a ding dong merry round around 2 polar worry magnets, that suck the very life out of me, and make me fretful over the hole in the bridge.

In my mind, is a mental list of all the things I will lose, if I lose just that one thing, and a frightful movie of my world collapsing all around me. In this matter, my imagination knows no bounds. While its purpose is to free others from the confines of their present state, mine cripples and binds me in a distant uncertain future.

Even while looking forward to the Sweden stint with the boy, I fear for the time when we come back, and face that dreaded hole. This is not the way to live.

Free will - we love it and hate it. God gave us free will, a mighty brave thing to do, and He lets us experience what free will means, when He gives all our loved ones a will of their own. We experience His anxiety as we watch our loved ones make choices around us, and that is love in the deepest sense, to let go, and let the other have the freedom to choose.

God created the world, and designed it to be a massive treasure hunt. He put delicious secrets in the universe, and designed our brains to understand and seek them: the medicinal value of plants, the solar system, intricacies of the atom, uses of penicillin, radio and sound waves, unique properties of water, time's own fabric, lightning and electricity.
He gave us clues here and there, intervened in history to nudge a scientist in the correct path, whispered to inventors unbeknownst to them. Yet the arrogance of Man, attributed intelligence to their very own existence. God's gift to Man was knowledge, and He gave it solely to Man, not to animals, but the gift has corrupted us and made us proud.

I firmly believe, the only way to understand our very own existence is to know God, or we will lose ourselves in a labyrinth of knowledge, and never find the reason behind all the profoundities in the universe.

my choice

I will let him have the autonomy to decide whether he wishes to play computer games or to go play with the kids.

I will try not to think too much into his decision, and to extend it to other matters.

I will try to enjoy myself anyway in his absence.

I will try to find a balance between an independent life, and interdependency.

Life and death, leaving and arriving

These past few days have been a whirlwind for me, thrown into a whirlpool ever since my last paper ended. I told the boy, that the last paper is an unseen but very real threshold to cross, and beyond that, life takes on another pace of its own. True enough, everything we had suspended in lieu of the examinations came back to life with a will of its own, and we fell along the strong current.

Children's Camp was unbelievably exhausting, fun and most enjoyable. We loved every minute spend with them. I had the opportunity to really talk and enjoy myself with them all. Really hope that this relationship will continue, then when we all grow older, we will all become firm friends.

These days, I keenly feel I am gaining some perspectives on life and death. The other day the boy had to fetch Katrina to his grandfather's deathbed, he shared with me later on his ambivalent feelings towards hospital. Hospitals and Airports are places where the atmosphere is almost always choked with emotion. Departing and arriving, birth and death. In the airports, perhaps there is some hope for respite, for the person is merely going away for a while, but in the hospital, people come from and leave for another world. It is a place where people become fathers and mothers, and a place where they lose their own fathers and mothers, where life comes full circle.

Seeing Ezekiel at George's funeral brought back many childhood memories. More importantly, it reminded that time had moved on, and people had change.