Driving

I drove jacqueline safely home today!!!.

Haha.

Still very exciting and scary!!

I passed driving!

I'm on the brink of my 21st birthday, and suddenly things are moving so fast, that I can hardly catch my breath. Things that I could only dream of are happening right now in the present! Turning 21, getting my driving licence today!, and leaving for sweden in 2 days time. I can really hardly breathe.

It was really God's grace, I couldn't have passed otherwise.

Driving home today in my father's van was really scary!!! The clutch's biting point was so high, and the van is so high, and the visibility is not as good as in the day.

I can really feel the weight of responsibility on a motorist's shoulder. One mistake, and lives may be lost.

I had 18 demerits, and 0 points in the circuit. AND I didn't even finish the route, yet i had 18 demerits! Imagine if I had finished the test!

Still grateful, and a little afraid of my newfound freedom on the roads.

Its really not easy to drive, esp my father's van.

Church 30th anniversary pictures

Free will and the universe

The worrisome self is starting its onslaught again. if it is not this, its that, and if not that, this. a ding dong merry round around 2 polar worry magnets, that suck the very life out of me, and make me fretful over the hole in the bridge.

In my mind, is a mental list of all the things I will lose, if I lose just that one thing, and a frightful movie of my world collapsing all around me. In this matter, my imagination knows no bounds. While its purpose is to free others from the confines of their present state, mine cripples and binds me in a distant uncertain future.

Even while looking forward to the Sweden stint with the boy, I fear for the time when we come back, and face that dreaded hole. This is not the way to live.

Free will - we love it and hate it. God gave us free will, a mighty brave thing to do, and He lets us experience what free will means, when He gives all our loved ones a will of their own. We experience His anxiety as we watch our loved ones make choices around us, and that is love in the deepest sense, to let go, and let the other have the freedom to choose.

God created the world, and designed it to be a massive treasure hunt. He put delicious secrets in the universe, and designed our brains to understand and seek them: the medicinal value of plants, the solar system, intricacies of the atom, uses of penicillin, radio and sound waves, unique properties of water, time's own fabric, lightning and electricity.
He gave us clues here and there, intervened in history to nudge a scientist in the correct path, whispered to inventors unbeknownst to them. Yet the arrogance of Man, attributed intelligence to their very own existence. God's gift to Man was knowledge, and He gave it solely to Man, not to animals, but the gift has corrupted us and made us proud.

I firmly believe, the only way to understand our very own existence is to know God, or we will lose ourselves in a labyrinth of knowledge, and never find the reason behind all the profoundities in the universe.

my choice

I will let him have the autonomy to decide whether he wishes to play computer games or to go play with the kids.

I will try not to think too much into his decision, and to extend it to other matters.

I will try to enjoy myself anyway in his absence.

I will try to find a balance between an independent life, and interdependency.

Life and death, leaving and arriving

These past few days have been a whirlwind for me, thrown into a whirlpool ever since my last paper ended. I told the boy, that the last paper is an unseen but very real threshold to cross, and beyond that, life takes on another pace of its own. True enough, everything we had suspended in lieu of the examinations came back to life with a will of its own, and we fell along the strong current.

Children's Camp was unbelievably exhausting, fun and most enjoyable. We loved every minute spend with them. I had the opportunity to really talk and enjoy myself with them all. Really hope that this relationship will continue, then when we all grow older, we will all become firm friends.

These days, I keenly feel I am gaining some perspectives on life and death. The other day the boy had to fetch Katrina to his grandfather's deathbed, he shared with me later on his ambivalent feelings towards hospital. Hospitals and Airports are places where the atmosphere is almost always choked with emotion. Departing and arriving, birth and death. In the airports, perhaps there is some hope for respite, for the person is merely going away for a while, but in the hospital, people come from and leave for another world. It is a place where people become fathers and mothers, and a place where they lose their own fathers and mothers, where life comes full circle.

Seeing Ezekiel at George's funeral brought back many childhood memories. More importantly, it reminded that time had moved on, and people had change.

Micro exam

Robinson Crusoe Economy
Sequential Games
Market for Lemons
Insurance
Cournot and Stackelberg

Micro 2

I'm feeling very restless now, this is what afternoon papers do to me. Suspend you in a limbo, when the time passes much too fast, and much too slow.

Its at 5pm.

To illustrate the magical concept of time and the precious information which it reveals.
I shall attempt to guess which questions will be presented in the exam.

and in about 6 hours time, I shall return, and tell you what was tested.

I think the following will be tested:

Theory of the firm.
Bargaining
Incentives Contracting
Uncertainty and insurance
robinson crusoe economy
Stackelberg
Collusion

The hole in the Bridge

I was reading Crystal's latest entry when I was struck by her account of her baby cousin, she wished him; "may you always be honest about the things you love".

In fact, that's what I want to be. But in this world, being honest about the things you love, means vulnerability, to the object of love as well as to the whole world. The world has become such a cynic. And we mask our love in every other contrary thing, to make us look invincible, and powerful.

A very meaningful conversation with the boy that day taught me something about myself. I told him about a time bridge that extents from now to 3 years from now, and I told him about the little hole in the bridge, and the fear I have that we cannot jump over that hole.

Then he told me that if I were to cross that bridge and come to that hole, I would actually realize its not that big a deal, but from far it looks more dangerous than it really is. And the problem with me, he said, is that I let the hole become my world, and lose sight of the bridge. It was thought-provoking. That happened a few days ago, and yet I have been chewing on it.

I really wish I can keep up my worry-free state of living.

The exams are here again. And we have confirmed our air tickets to sweden. We fly on the 8th of January at an untimely hour.

I am fascinated by stories. Amazing how people can come up with characters, larger than life, that commands people to believe them, love them, hate them. I do admire actors too, not for their fame, or looks or money, but for their sheer love, and service they do to such characters, in giving them a life, a time, and a space in our 3 dimensional universe.

The versatility of good actors is like a fine canvas. They lend their bodies, face and time to art, and the audience's amusement.

What a wonderful life!